“And all my friends are aching for something in the way. And I am too, but inevitably, everything’s going to be okay,whatever that means. …But what the fuck does that mean?” ~Things I Panic About, Lauren O’Connell
Yes, that is a song lyric. Lauren O’Connell is my new love; go listen to her on youtube and then buy her album on itunes.
I am stressed. I know this about myself. I also know that there are several different reasons why I am stressed. My grandfather was in the hospital this week, and while it was for something relatively minor and he seems to be doing just fine now, learning this bit of information Friday afternoon shut all of my emotional systems down for awhile. I also know that I am very stressed about money; in fact, I am more stressed about money now that I am making it than I was when I was not making it. In a way, things almost become simpler in that world: you don’t have money, so you don’t spend money.
And I know that I am also stressed about my continued lack of physically close friendships. As close friendships overall go I’m set for the rest of my life; I’ve got awesome friends who are very dear to me and who love me very much. However, I am stressed that I have yet to find someone to hang out on a semi-regular basis now that college is over and we all live so far away. I need constant, regular human interaction to keep me sane (see previous entries), and weekends quickly become boring with no one my age to share them with.
But most of all, I am stressed about my job. Yes, the one I’ve been working at for two whole days. I am stressed because I am new and I can’t tell how good/bad I am at it yet and I need to find ways to reach out and connect and I haven’t experienced any of these things yet so I’m worried that I’ll find a way to screw them all up. I am stressed because it is new and I am new and it seems so important for me to get it right and I’m worried that I won’t get it right.
And I’ll take it one step farther then that: I not only know all of these stressors, but I also know that the amount of stress that I’ve been feeling and displaying is disproportional to the activities I’ve been undertaking. I know that I am most stressed about my job partially because of the reasons listed above, but also because it is the easiest thing to stress about, and so my stress about other areas gets streamlined into job stress instead. I even know that if I could find a way to wash off some of this stress, I’d remember that many of these things are valid things to be worried and stressed about, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be awful and everything is going to fall apart on me and I’m never going to make new friends and I’m going to screw my clients over for life. I know this.
What I don’t know is how to do just that: how to wash off this stress. Because rationalizing doesn’t seem to do it for me. Journaling, here and privately, has helped a little, but isn’t quite enough.
I don’t know. Maybe working tomorrow will help remind me of what I’m supposed to be doing,and why I want to be doing it. Maybe I can find some other newbies in this field who don’t seem to already know everything there is to know, and therefore wouldn’t intimidate the crap out of me, and we can connect. That would even kill two birds with one stone, come to think of it.
And maybe, just maybe, Vienna Teng’s Lullaby for a Stormy Night and sleep might be enough at this point. It’s really all I’ve got right now, but it’s been known to work wonders before, so maybe tonight will be one of those nights.
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