I don't care about money- I just want to be happy.

My heart exploded today. It lived and breathed and beat outside my chest.

The day’s appointments were planned and noted on the attorney’s Outlook calendars. Simple words. Stranger’s names. A time set- 10:00 a.m.- 11:00 a.m.

And yet a certain, unexpected event at work this morning turned me back into the optimist I used to be.

A new adoptive family was coming in to meet and take home the newest addition to their growing family.  The adoptive mom had just received a call from the care-giver stating that she was finally at the office. Her anticipation got the best of her and she couldn’t wait for the woman to bring in the baby. She rushed out to the parking lot, after asking my permission, brought in her new son, and then stated that the woman needed more help. I went outside not knowing what actual help was needed. Then it was all but clear…

My co-worker and I were only too happy to go out to the parking lot and take the two additional babies into our open arms. The care-giver was also watching over two of “our” other babies.

Put them in car seats to bring them inside? Please. We won’t hear of such a thing. We needed to hold them just as much as they needed to be held.

I have been working at this law firm for four months and this morning was the first time I actually got to hold one of “our” babies. I turned into mush. Instantly. It was something like that very first kiss, or the first time you fall in love…I had to catch my breath- even though I had already held mulitple babies before in my life. Maybe it’s just me, but each time feels like your very first time.

Madeline’s “birthday” was today, the 18th, as she had been born last month on this day- one of our “drop and go” cases. I held her in my arms and her warm head rested against my chest, and she cooed and she slept against me as her tiny right hand clutched onto the chain of my beloved necklace, her tiny tongue extending out in a yawn.  I kissed her head more than once. Tears welled up in my eyes, but they never fell down my cheeks. You couldn’t erase the smile from my face. “You want one, don’t you?” “I do, but I have to wait…”

It was a baby party in our lobby. I think one of the attorneys said we had never had so many babies in our office at the same time. These three little lambs might never know they had ever met one another- but oh, how their lives are entertwined!

I held the one month old girl as my co-worker held a one month old baby boy, all the while the adoptive mother held her new one month old baby boy as her older son looked on and took pictures with his very own disposable camera. He was oh-so-proud to take pictures and oooh and awww about his new baby brother. “But Mom- I need you to show me how to hold him!” little Sebastian said when asked if he would like to hold him. And then more precious moments were captured with multiple cameras.

A new son, a new brother was held and loved, as I held and loved a stranger I had to give up- as I gave into my own daydreams of a future family of my very own. An entire law office in Jacksonville, Florida was filled with adoration. Strangers from different cities, brought together because of the miracle of life, of love.

After a mere twenty minutes or so, I had to relinquish control of “my” little girl- a little girl who was too close to being abandoned at the hospital before DCF stepped in and found the mother. Instead of going into “foster care”, we were able to have the mother sign consents so we would be the legal guardians of the child until we could find an adoptive family.

You just can’t be depressed when you’re holding a baby, and while you might have to give it back up, you’re left with the happiness- the peace- that you felt while holding that little gift from heaven. Those short moments stayed with me the rest of the day. I couldn’t help but imagine the selflessness and love a birth mother must feel and express when giving up her very own…

…and I couldn’t help but recall the trauma and shock I went through only a few weeks back- when I received the calls about planning the funeral for one of our newborns with the mild case of Spina Bifida and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. The calls from NICU…pulling the plug, signing the death certificate, cremation, the funeral home.

“Krista Angel”. “How dare she name her daughter…”. “She’s not a mother”.  “Does she know what happened to her baby? Does she know what she did?” “I hope to never have to do that again”. “I can’t take anymore of these calls- will you take it?” “I’ll never forget her last name- she should be in jail.” “Hello, Goodbye” by Michael W. Smith.  “Forgive her, Lord, she doesn’t know- that You gave life to me…”

What’s the difference between abortion and a drugged-out “mother”?

We hardly knew you, but we loved you.

God knew her name, planned her, and holds her now.

I had to rejoice, despite my present single and childless circumstances, despite the stress and occasional case of sorrow associated with this job.

Yes, I long for a husband and a baby of my own more than words could say, but after this morning I was reminded again of how God looks after His own. I couldn’t help but remember that God is appeasing, more than satisfying,  the deep longings of my heart through this job, even on a temporary basis. No, these babies are not my own, but I get to be a small part of the very beginning of their lives. No, I am not their mother, but I get to experience the joy, and be a part of the (sometimes complicated) process that places these little ones with loving families who have the same longings as I have.

I was reminded that sometimes, the best things in life simply take time- the perfect timing that only God has in His omnipotent mind. And even when we make our mistakes, take our own roads, His will is perfect and complete, though we may not understand and sometimes resist and rebel.

This unexpected job, that I did not intentionally seek out, that I did not know about (fully), it was meant to be mine, and for reasons I am just now discovering. I was trying to get another job, that I thought was perfect for me, but God knew. Even after I was hired and was trained for this job, I still tried to get away after the original position called upon me, and I didn’t succeed. God knew. And now, I do too.

I prayed a simple prayer when I attempted to leave my last miserable job earlier in the year, before I faxed my resume that I didn’t even know went through (and was accepted)- God, I don’t care about money- I just want to be happy. I want to make a difference. And look at what He has done.  Taste and see- that my Lord is good.

This “job” is a part of the larger story of my life- of being rejected, and then accepted (thank you, Mom). Of knowing someone, somewhere loves you, and waits for you, more than you can ever imagine.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

(One day I will know Psalms 139 by heart.)

I’ve waited almost half of my life to have a job as satisfying as this one is. It ties all the loose ends of my existence together.

I told little Madeline outside, when she was first put into my arms, “I think I love you.”

She won’t remember that moment. I will.

I can’t even comprehend or explain the affection and love I felt for this little baby, one I will never hold again.

I can’t fathom what I will one day feel for my very own little miracle.

1 “Sing, O barren woman,

you who never bore a child;

burst into song, shout for joy,

you who were never in labor;

because more are the children of the desolate woman

than of her who has a husband,”

says the LORD.

2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,

stretch your tent curtains wide,

do not hold back;

lengthen your cords,

strengthen your stakes.

3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;

your descendants will dispossess nations

and settle in their desolate cities.

4 “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.

Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.

You will forget the shame of your youth

and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

5 For your Maker is your husband—

the LORD Almighty is his name—

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;

he is called the God of all the earth.

6 The LORD will call you back

as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—

a wife who married young,

only to be rejected,” says your God.

7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,

but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

8 In a surge of anger

I hid my face from you for a moment,

but with everlasting kindness

I will have compassion on you,”

says the LORD your Redeemer.

9 “To me this is like the days of Noah,

when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.

So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,

never to rebuke you again.

10 Though the mountains be shaken

and the hills be removed,

yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken

nor my covenant of peace be removed,”

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

11 “O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,

I will build you with stones of turquoise, [a]

your foundations with sapphires. [b]

12 I will make your battlements of rubies,

your gates of sparkling jewels,

and all your walls of precious stones.

13 All your sons will be taught by the LORD,

and great will be your children’s peace.

14 In righteousness you will be established:

Tyranny will be far from you;

you will have nothing to fear.

Terror will be far removed;

it will not come near you.

15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;

whoever attacks you will surrender to you.

16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith

who fans the coals into flame

and forges a weapon fit for its work.

And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc;

17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,

and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.

This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,

and this is their vindication from me,”

declares the LORD.